Back in the Saddle Again....

At this point, I have been back to work for about 6 weeks. It’s been a difficult 6 weeks to get my stamina back up to what it needs to be.

Why is it hard?

Well, I went from basically being bed ridden when I was on THC. Now, I’m doing 8+ hours a day working, and a lot of times, I’m doing more stuff after work. Even though I wasn’t down for an extended amount of time. 18 months was long enough for the body to lose a lot of it’s stamina. This doesn’t factor in the mind that was kicked around the ball fields with THC. With both of those factors involved; it’s almost like learning how to walk again.

How is the work?

The work is awesome! I have missed having conversations with like minded individuals. The first few weeks I was doing 1/2 days due to doctor orders, but those days were filled with activity. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like having meetings 8 hours a day, but I would rather be doing that than where I was. There has been so much change since my time away, it’s mind boggling. Not to mention, I went from writing code all the time to literally doing one of the things I never thought I would like. I do more of the planning how to take down the ‘forest’ to actually ‘cutting the trees’. I have a lot of privilege’s to look at the whole aspect of our work, and then try to find a way to make changes that will make it more secure, run smoother, and run more efficiently.

Blessings..

I am blessed to have the boss, friends, and family I have. My boss, has been there with me through this whole ordeal. That says loads to his character and how much our friendship means to him. With working for a friend/boss, it does make things a bit awkward at times. For example, when he has to be a boss instead of a friend. I understand that he has to do that, and I fully accept it. It doesn’t make it any easier to manage those emotions, but having someone that is emotionally aware as well, helps talk through things with me. Friends and family, I can’t say enough about them. They are usually there to help me in the times I fall short.

On to the emotions…..

There have been a lot of emotions that I haven’t dealt with since I had a mental break down. This has been a struggle for me, and probably will be for months/years to come. I didn’t realize how ‘ingrained’ working is in my being. The important thing that I have done for myself, giving my mind and body time to accept the new emotions. This includes working through them, thinking through them, and finally, dealing with them. There have been several occasions that I have leaned on co-workers and friends to help me process these emotions. That’s one thing I encourage everyone that is reading this to do….. find some people that you count on that will help you work through some of these emotions and difficulties. I have found it very helpful to have a third party perspective when I’m dealing with the emotions. Often times, I was to wrapped up in the emotion to really see what was happening.

What do I do?

Due to security of myself, company, and my profession, I will not give specifics. What I will share is that I’m in the Linux landscape of a financial institution. Other than that, nothing else. I’m sure that will lead to more questions about this post, but any professional will tell you, no matter what you do, your emotions will be in it.